My healing journey

I certainly knew Grief intimately. Inside and out, backwards and forwards. Upside-down even. After a while, I even could say I had befriended it. I’ve been through what people call ‘the dark night of the soul’. These days, I understand that my soul was totally ok with everything that was happening, and that I finally caught up!

Like a lot of women, I wanted to create and nurture a happy, loving family. I wanted to create a home where everybody felt loved, accepted, and where we had heaps of fun and laughter together. My deep desire to be a Mother happened at quite a young age. I gave birth to a gorgeous baby boy when I was 22, and, like most Mothers, discovered what Love really is that day.

Nothing can quite prepare you for how deeply you’re going to care – it is an irrevocable change, a complete transformation of ourselves.  I was ecstatic. I felt I became ‘my true self’ as a Mother, and I embraced it fully.

So it blew my heart to pieces when my son’s Father did not feel the same. I’d felt Grady change while I was pregnant, and I didn’t understand why. My lovely man – who had told me I was ‘the one’, declared to my parents and to me that he considered himself my husband and life partner – firstly left me for another woman, then left this life altogether, by his own choice. He also left his family and friends in shock and trauma. He left me with a completely broken heart, and a very troubled mind – I questioned over and over, to the point of near madness, how this ever could have happened. Terrible guilt plagues survivors of Suicide. It’s too easy to think it’s our fault, that there’s something wrong with us. That we should have known.

I actually had one of the most amazing times of my life at his death. I got a huge ‘download’ and I saw something clearly: “this will be the making of me”. I had just written a proclamation that transformation was about to happen in my life. It was a powerful Pluto transit and I could feel ‘something’ coming. I asked myself if I would accept the change.

I had no idea it was going to be Quite. That. BIG.

But, partly because of what I had written, I could not deny the perfection of what was happening. I felt the veils between the worlds was thin….I saw my Grady in everything, the sky especially. The Thunder. The Fire. I felt him, I knew his Spirit. I knew he knew me, finally. I felt Honour and Respect. It was powerful. But as everyone else’s life returned ‘to normal’, mine did not. A terrible doubt crept in as that magic seemed to fade. I was no longer in the special place, between the worlds where I’d connected with that powerful energy. Instead, I felt empty and compressed. A total meaninglessness.

I felt like I had died, so completely and utterly over was my life.

It all just felt like there was no point in any of it…….except, there was this little boy, who had just turned two. This radiant, happy, gorgeous ray of light. How can you think life is not beautiful when a sweet wee thing chirps at you all day about bugs and trucks and stuff?! I could never, ever consider leaving him. I was desperately trying to keep my heaviness from affecting him, feeling like I was failing at that much of the time, suffering from that guilt only parents truly understand – we had such pure desire to bring our children joy, and here we are frustrated and depleted, or worse, feeling like an emotional wreck as I was. So I only had one choice – I’d just have to find out how to heal myself.

At the one year anniversary: I was celebrating. I was still alive! I was getting somewhere! “Time really is a healer!” I thought.

Fast forward to the Two Year Anniversary:

“THIS SUCKS”

“Whoever said time was a healer didn’t know shit. I still feel terrible. I just start to feel joy and something shoves me back down. I’ll obviously never be happy again. I’ll definitely never be who I was. I’m never going to ‘get over it’. How can anyone get over this anyway?! I clearly got tricked. He obviously never loved me. And why would you?”

“I’m just…….broken”

I tried counselling. It was awful. Except for one session. I realised later that this was the only time the counsellor helped me tap into my subconcsious. I hated talking for an hour about how bad I felt, then having to go home feeling ultra aware of how heavy it all really was. I just couldn’t escape that something terrible happened to me.
I got ‘helpful’ diagnostic advice from people, that I must have a mental illness. You know, ‘depression’. That just made me feel really angry. Did they not realise something terrible happened to me?! I was absolutely not going to take medication, and in any case, how terrifying is it as a single parent to ask for help from a system that may decide you’re too broken and take your child from you? What if I ‘broke down’ and they thought I ‘wasn’t coping’? I was coping…that was part of the problem!
People shared other stuff with me. Like dreams they’d had. All of it was pretty dark. I discovered a lot of people have some really bad  BS (Belief Systems) about what happens to people who die, especially those who kill themselves. “They’re stuck in another dimension where they can never move on. In horrible pain and terrible regret” “Now they’ll have to come back and relive all the stuff they didn’t get and it will be much worse”

UGH. (It isn’t true, by the way….humans just seem to project our fears in life onto what comes after….) 

And finally, I found something. Something that helped.

In 1998, just after that 2nd year anniversary, I was reading a book about Essential Oils, thinking I’d learn Aromatherapy. It was that book, full of gorgeous photos of flowers, that was my first introduction to Flower Essences. But the most important thing it showed me was that I had an Intuitive relationship with Nature energies, and that I could feel it in my body and often have flashes of insight or messages in my mind. Things got incredibly synchronistic, like, ‘goose bumps’ level synchronistic. I had access to water from one of the most healing springs on the planet, a place that was healing for me to visit too. I started making Essences, with absolutely no idea what I was doing, just that I was ‘supposed to’. 
About a week later, I did my first Reiki Attunement. I felt some of the biggest love I had ever received that weekend. It was a beautiful awakening of energy in my whole body and being. I walked the beach with a whole new sensation in my feet, I touched everything with a whole new powerful energy in my hands, and I felt a new beginning for my life. It was energy healing, pure and simple. The same weekend, I received my first ever Neurolink session.

Oh. My. Divinity…..

That session was the most powerful body release I have ever had, to this day, 25 years later. I released an energy I could only describe as ‘total shock’, it woooooosh’ed out the top of my head. I relived for about 30 seconds the moment I had been told that Grady had died. (When the Police actually told me, I experienced it as surreal, not shocking. I even said “Oh, is he alright?”).

For a second in this session, it was like a panic attack, my breath was very deep as the energy moved through me, “this can’t have happened, it can’t be true, how can this have happened”, and then it was….GONE.
When I stepped off the massage table, I looked at the man who did the session, and I said “What did you do to me?! Wow…You’re a witch doctor or something” and I laughed. And laughed.

And laughed.

Hysterically for about half an hour. He left the room, and told me to just come out when I was ready. He was a bit taken aback, but he knew it was my process, and he let me have it. (BIG HEALER POINTS THERE!)

This all happened in one week. The only thing I consciously planned to do was the Reiki attunement. But I now fully understand that my intention to find healing was at the core of everything that happened.

So I had that big beautiful LOVE I’d received in the Reiki. I had awakened Universal energy in my hands for self healing. I had started making Flower Essences, and journalling my experiences, because there were no books to teach me how to do it. I learnt entirely from Nature and my own emotional process. The creation of The WellSpring Essences is a whole magical story of it’s own, most of which will remain between Nature and I. I don’t use or make remedies anymore, because what I learnt about vibrational healing is much more important than what I kept in bottles – and it’s all available, all the time.

But the most unexpected thing was the Neurolink. Within a month, I’d done my first training! The Founder ‘just happened’ to be in my area just after I had that first session. I could not deny what I had discovered, even if I didn’t fullly understand it. I just knew I had to do it. Again.
I discovered many other tools and practices along the way. But I soon found that my Neurolink sessions started to go a bit strange – I kept getting intuitive insights that weren’t part of ‘the system’ and I kept wanting to do things in the wrong order and you just weren’t supposed to do that.
I was starting to actually talk to the Innate wisdom in people. It was like their Body or Deep Self was telling me things, like “we need to reset hydration before we can clear that virus properly”. I felt like it was trying to lead me somewhere, and I wasn’t quite sure where, so I just kept listening. I would get intuitive insights into the emotional patterns of illness, because my Essences were showing me without a doubt that there is a relationship between illness and thought/emotional patterns.

BodyTalk took everything to a whole new level. A new Paradigm. If I thought I’d had a learning curve previously, this was a Quantum Leap!

BodyTalk is all about talking to Innate! It’s a tapping therapy, like Neurolink (now known as NIS) but we tapped over the Heart, and the Belly, not just the Brain. I learnt that our heart has a more powerful energy field than our brains. I had a whole new relationship with healing, where every session could be a powerful teaching for me too.

I felt like I’d come home.

BodyTalk gave me permission, nay, Invited me, to see Connections – the ones I’d been starting to see in my healing and Essence work. Relationships between Emotions, Belief Systems, Trauamatic Events, our Environment, and all our physical Systems. The relationship between our Consciousness and our Body. The relationship of Energy to Form. And I was able to shift deeply held patterns simply, easily, in a nurturing and gentle way. So many ‘aha’ moments were coming for my clients, and each session was teaching me more and more.

After all the years I’d spent in intuitive relationship with the Consciousness of Nature making vibrational remedies, I now fully understood that I could have the same relationship with my own body. That there is a Divine Intelligence in US.

Having this connection is life changing. It’s like having the best life coach or Guide you could ever ask for. One that knows your whole life story, everything that’s ever happened to you and how it’s impacted the way you see yourself, the way you see others, how it’s created your patterns and triggers and emotions. Innate knows exactly where the faulty wiring is, and in what order to disentangle you from all your ‘stuff’. Stuff that you’ve acquired. Stuff that isn’t really you, that is released in layer upon layer, revealing more and more of who you are.
BodyTalk also gave me a way to work with everything I’d ever learned. I could receive insight through my own intuition, and also be guided by my clients Innate to use Reiki, Essences, a Guided visualisation, specific techniques, a Clearing for their home – whatever was needed for their healing, their energetic release and transformation in that moment. I also knew what I was doing was lasting in effect, that sessions keep working after we ‘finish’, having set shifts in motion.

I gotta say, it was a little scary at first! But now, 15 years into ‘BodyTalking’, I look forward to not knowing what to do until your Innate tells me! It’s so much more exciting, interesting, inspiring, revealing and freeing. I am constantly blown away by how much wisdom we are carrying in all our cells, how our whole life journey is held within, and how perfectly each shift shows up in the right moment. And how it’s perfectly reflected in our body’s symptoms – our body is actually sending us messages all the time. I used to hope specific things would surface in my own sessions, but now I am much more excited to see what shows up that I didn’t expect. Because there isn’t any rush, if you’re on a life long journey of becoming more and more who you are.

I also understand something else, really, really important.
I feel so much support around each of my clients. I feel so much LOVE. Even if you have absolutely no conscious connection to Spirit/God/Souce – whatever you’d like to name it – it’s absolutely connected to you. I would even say it IS YOU.

It’s what I felt when I received my Reiki Attunement. You don’t have to get Reiki to meet it! It’s what carried me through that long dark night, when I thought I was broken and completely alone. I wasn’t.
It’s what I felt in the first days after my partners death. The veil really was thin – I got a taste of a connection that felt unusual at the time, but that now is my day to day reality. I have an amazing relationship with my self, my life, my guides, my work, my body…even as I’m in a process of ongoing healing and change.

I also have a spiritual friendship with the beautiful Man that gave me a gorgeous Son and then left this earth – for reasons that I do now understand.

He felt broken too. He didn’t know he was loved. He saw only a planet – that he thought of as our Mother – that he felt we were all killing, and it broke his heart. He couldn’t connect with any meaning in being here, and he didn’t believe he’d chosen to come, and that broke his mind. He knew his trauma from his early life – but not how to heal. He didn’t want to reply patterns from his family, but he didn’t know how to BE different, how to bring in new potentials. Being so disconnected to his own Source Self, he couldn’t connect with the new life he’d been part of intentionally creating, or the actual Mother that brought that new soul into the world – Me – and that broke our family.
He just couldn’t reach joy or inspiration anymore, and I know how that feels, so I hold nothing but compassion for him. Because I know we don’t just ‘get over things’ with time. You can cope, or sometimes you just can’t. I realise now he wasn’t being cruel or selfish. I I feel his presence right now as I write, honouring me, loving me. I see him as an ally, one of many souls in my great big Soul Family.

I still have a deep and honouring relationship with Grief. I still know it backwards, forwards and upside-down. But after another huge chapter of my life, in which ‘Make Everyday Magic’ was birthed…I now offer healing for an entirely different reason.