Suicide, definitely not painless

I often poke a little fun at life’s challenges, maybe I have an ancestor who was into black comedy or something, but I have to admit that when I hear of beautiful people I know checking out of life, I feel pretty sad. Why do such good people, well liked and loved souls with so many friends, feel so alone? Or over it? Or whatever it is that takes them over the line. We all know the line right? “It’s hard and I don’t like what’s happening, and I know there’s a way out of this pain, but I will never take it” – that line?

Most of us have ‘been there’

I’ve felt such pain in my heart before that I wanted out of life. But I knew I wouldn’t act on that, ever. I have a son, so that’s part of it, but there’s also an unshakeable flame in my being that insists that everything that happens is for a reason. Of course, I apply that to suicide as well, so I certainly don’t see it as ‘wrong’ in some way. But it sure as hell hurts when it’s your husband, your wife, your son or daughter, your mother or father. It’s hard not to feel abandoned and betrayed, and so guilty for not somehow knowing it was coming.

Fact is, the people I know who’ve killed themselves did not ‘attempt’ suicide, they made damn sure they got it right the first time. There was never any real warning, nothing stood out as being any harder than things a lot of us have gone through. All of them were really likeable people and seemed from the outside to have a good life.

I write this because I just heard of another friend who hit the big red ‘stop the world I wanna get off’ button and now I will not see him again in my lifetime.  How surreal is that?

It’s one of those things that I understand from a very high perspective, but don’t get at all down here on the ground!

I just want to talk to him. Ask what happened. Wish I could have just bumped into him an hour before that, and somehow said just the right thing that turned his path. Of course, that’s the rescuer in me talking, but I think we’d all want the same.

What made you so overwhelmed with life that you ended it? I’m sure it’s never one thing, but some kind of burden that gets heavier over time? And maybe there’s a straw that breaks the camels back, but it’s got to be more than that.

No death is an accident in my opinion, but this is such a conscious decision. Or maybe it’s less like making a choice, and more like there’s no other choice.

It’s a paradox for me – being both courageous and cowardly?

In a way we are trying to get back to the knowing that our soul is eternal and we cannot ever die, and I feel suicide is just as much a return home as any other death. To face that unknown consciously and welcome it in, must in some sense be very liberating. I remember feeling a little bit of awe about that when my Son’s Dad killed himself – he had obviously almost made a ritual out of it, and knew exactly what he was doing – starting over. But the terrible grief he left behind him seemed a high price for us all to pay for his freedom. I felt for his mother more than for me, and I felt for my son more than for me. They are directly in his ‘life line’ so to speak – one gave him life, and care and nurture. He gave the other life, and should have been there for his care and nurture.

What to do if you’re really nearly over that line

Please don’t push the big red stop the world button! If there’s one thing I’ve learnt, it’s that you can let one day end and the next one can look very different. Go to sleep! Talk to a friend, write stuff and burn it while you cry, go for a swim in the coldest river you can find, leave your job, get a healing…whatever it takes. If life is still really bad after you tried everything you could to see the joy, then I get it. Some shift is just too hard. But please try first. Just let one day end, and see if tomorrow is just a little different. And if ‘get a healing’ is the thing you need, then you come to me, or someone you trust to help you. I know what pain is, and sadness and deep loss, but I also know there are ways to help get you back into joy and seeing the beauty of life.

I know that because I did it.

Well, a deep moment here on Tania’s blog…and I wish everyone out there who has ever been touched by a loved one’s deliberate passing, much love and empathy. May we all find our peace with every death, no matter who, how old, when or where, as it is all as it is meant to be. If you have a story you would like to share about Suicide, how it has touched your life, then please contact me here to see if your story may work on this blog. You never know, your words may help another soul out there…

Check out a great support site for understanding depression here

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